I was feeling so low on Monday. When I get low, I question myself. What do I want with my life?
I go back and forth between wanting to be someone and wanting to just quietly live my happy little life. Most days, my happy little life wins. But some days, I feel disappointed in myself. Disappointed that I haven’t done anything. I mean, I’m 35, and I am a part-time copywriter. In the words of Adam Sandler: Whoopidy doo!
Do you know what I mean? I like my job, don’t get me wrong, but it’s just that it’s not particularly impressive. Who am I trying to impress?
I’m a tough critic…of myself. Have you ever seen Despicable Me? I’m totally Gru’s mom; not to my kid–everything he does is pretty great–or anyone else, but to myself.
Me: “Look, Ker, you just ran a freaking marathon with a smile on your face the whole time!”
Me: “Look, Ker, you were in charge of worldwide internal communications for a Fortune 150 company before you were 30!”
Me: “Look, Ker, you write copy for products sold nationwide in freaking Costco!”
Kerrie is not impressed.
I suspect social media makes this worse. When I can so easily see all the wonderful accomplishments of others, I get that “keeping up with the Joneses” feeling even though I am ecstatic for the other person. I am impressed definitely. Envious, too. I should really stay off of social media.
I had a whole blog post about my training so far this week and how I’m FINALLY feeling better, and not wheezing anymore, and getting back into the swing of things. But none of it helped me answer the question that’s been on my mind since Monday: What do I want with my life? I’ve only come up with more questions: When will I have done enough to impress myself? When will I have done enough so that I stop questioning if I can do more, be more? When can I stop questioning? When can I stop and just enjoy today?
I can totally see the future. I do a triathlon, but as usual, I’m not impressed with myself. So I sign up for an Ironman. But if the marathon did not impress me, will an Ironman? And then what?
Am I trying to fill what I perceive as a career-hole with endurance sports? Is that what is going on here? I’m not entirely sure. And, if that’s what it is, why endurance sports? Why not knitting?
What the hell is wrong with me?